The silence of an empty heart
by ToNightIamgone
Summary: Light dies.L is left alone with their daughter,but she has her "mother's" eyes so he can barely stand to look at her ...LxLight and Mpreg in flashbacks.Chapter 7:Light.last chapter!:
1. Chapter 1

**My second fanfic! Enjoy!**

**Warning: A big part of this story will consist of flashbacks and they will contain yaoi and Mpreg. I have tried not to make the characters OOC and not to have any grammatical or spelling errors...**

_This is L's thoughts or memories._

**Disclaimer:I don't own any Death note characters...sadly!**

**Chapter 1:Memories**

"Are you Ryuuzaki Yagami?" the woman behind the desk asked. The pale man with his ink hair nodded. The woman that had only recently started working at the brokerage firm couldn't help but stare at him.

With the dark bags under his eyes and the odd way of standing, he was striking enough. If she had known him she probably would have reacted because he wore a black sweater instead of his usual white too.

But now, the thing with his appearance that made her stare was his eyes. They didn't look like human eyes. They contained nothing.

The dark irises were like black holes, like the definition of emptiness. Still, the whites of his eyes were red, as after crying to much to long.

"I have the keys to your apartment here." She stopped staring after a while and managed to produce an embarrassed smile.

He took them without saying anything.

"So.." The bothered woman tried to think of a way to save the situation. "Are you going to live there alone?"

"No," the man calling himself Ryuuzaki answered."I will be living with my daughter."

"Oh, really?!" The womans blue eyes sparkled. "I love children! How old is she? What is her name?"

"She is five," Ryuuzaki said with toneless voice."Her name is Kira, to honor the person that gave birth to her and who now is dead."

An unpleasant silence fell as Ryuuzaki turned around to leave.

"I'm really sorry to hear that," the broker said and she really meant it. A person must have experienced a lot of pain to shut down his emotions like that.

The man stopped but didn't speak.

"Kira is.. an unusual name to give a child nowadays," she observed trying to change the subject."But it's pretty."

Slowly, Ryuuzaki turned around again and glared at her.

"No offense, my dear lady," he explained, sounding as he was reading from a book."But I am not interested in your opinion and I do not want your pity. I will be working from home. I will not be causing any problems. I will pay the bills you send me right in time. And I will take good care of my child. So leave me alone."

L disliked having to be so mean but he knew that offending people was the best insurance that they would stay away. He couldn't have anyone getting close to him again.

They would just waste his time.

_Light-kun, without you, I only breath because I have to._

Later that night, Kira slept on a mattress on the floor. Her dark hair made a distinct contrast against the white pillow and her own pale skin.

She had his hair. But she had Light-kuns eyes. His beautiful eyes.

L left the living room so he shouldn't see her, and remember. Even though he already knew it was pointless. The memories were always there.

Everything he saw made him remember.

Like the brown wallpaper in the hall.

"_Why do you always have to wear clothes in such depressing colours, Light-kun?" L wondered and buried his face in Light's brown sweater. Light smiled and pulled the older man closer to him._

"_I'm not the one wearing the same clothes everyday," he gave back with a smirk and kissed L's forehead with lips so cold they made L shiver. "And brown is not a depressing colour."_

"_I do not wear the same clothes everyday, I just do not happen to be as vain as Light-kun," L explained. "And this is not a conversation on the intellectual level I expected to carry with someone having an intelligence of Light-kuns caliber, so I tend to cancel it right now." Light giggled in an uncharacteristic foolish way that would have given everyone else he knew a heart attack of surprise._

"_No, you don't cancel it because my lack of complicated words is disappointing you," he said self-confidently. "You know you can't win over me in a verbal fight."_

"_Why would I not?" L played with Light's hair, his soft, soft hair._

"_Because you love me," Light smiled."And you know that I hate to lose."_

"_But I hate losing as much as you do," L reminded him reproachfully. _

"_Shut up," Light demanded and silenced him with his freezing lips._

_And just this once, L let him win._

Feeling a little dizzy L left the hall and walked into the kitchen where their few belongings were. He needed to escape the memories of his old life to start a new one. The problem was that he couldn't run fast enough.

As always, when he felt the smell of the last inhabitants cooking, the memories caught up.

"_What are you doing, Light-kun?" L yawned and looked at the younger boy, standing fully dressed in front of the stove and fry eggs. "Those things stink all the way to the bedroom."_

"_I'm doing breakfast," Light answered without looking up._

"_Four o'clock in the morning?" L sat down on a colourful kitchen-chair in his usual position._

"_I couldn't sleep," Light sighed and turned off the stove._

"_You mean that I slept but you did not?" L frowned. "How unusual." The other boy shrugged and didn't seem motivated to talk anymore. L leant forward and tried to catch his eyes. "Did Light-kun have a bad dream?" he wondered softly and continued when Light didn't answer. "Does Light-kun not realize that the stench of unfinished birds, who certainly not are meant to be eaten for breakfast, gives me nightmares as well?"_

_After throwing away the eggs, Light sat down opposite to L._

"_Don't worry, L-kun," he requested and smiled warmly."I did have a nightmare, but it was not that terrible. I just couldn't go back to sleep right away." If L hadn't known him so well, he wouldn't have noticed those skillfully hidden stains of sadness in Light's amber eyes._

"_You are an exemplary liar but I must disappoint you. You can not fool me," L said and looked troubled. "What is it Light-kun is upset over?"_

"_Nothing." Light rose so violently his chair nearly tipped."I'll go back to sleep."_

"_You promised me that you would not lie to me anymore," L accused him. "No killing, no lying, no manipulating. Remember?"_

"_I'm sorry," Light muttered and it wasn't until he had left that L identified the feeling behind his voice as sorrow._

L felt those stupid, unnecessary, unavoidable, annoying, strange tears fill his eyes and blinked. If only Light-kun could have told him what that dream was about. Now, he would never know.

Cursing his own emotions he left the kitchen and entered the only other room there was in the apartment- the bathroom.

But was lost in memories again when he saw the shower.

"_You can't eat that soap," Light's voice called from the other side of the blue shower curtain with green dolphins on it._

"_I do not intend to," L informed him and put the strawberry soap on the sink again. "I was just smelling it."_

_The sound of flowing water drowned the last of his sentence and L sighed. Light showered at least twice a day ("Everything has to be cleaned," he used to say."It must stay clean."). His cleanliness was obviously an obsession and it irritated L to no end. Not because he didn't accept odd habits, he had to live with himself after all, but because the showers decreased his and Light-kuns time together._

_That was the reason he sat curled up on the toilet and waited for Light to invite him to the shower._

_Of course, he realized he didn't need to wait. You must have equal rights in a relationship. He got on his feet._

"_It is about time that we do what every human should do at least once in their lives," he stated and started to undress._

"_What? Eat a strawberry soap?" Light teased him._

"_No." L smiled happily. "Have sex in the shower."_

L collapsed on the cold floor.

It was strange how things could change so quickly. When he fell in love with Light-kun, he abandoned ideals he thought he had been ready to die for. Ideals were what made someone a good person, but they could never compete with love. After a while, Light agreed not to kill anymore. And when he, as an incredible surprise for them both became pregnant, he gave up the Death note and they were happy.

They were blissed. For the first time in his life, L could hear something more from his heart than heartbeats, it actually communicated with him. It told him that he was happy. It told him that no matter how stupid it was he must for once believe in forever.

Forever, as it tend to be, was awfully short. Light died and L was left alone with memories and a child he loved but couldn't even bear looking at. Her eyes were the closest to Light he could ever come now and that hurt so badly that he, though denying it, sometimes wished that he didn't have a daughter.

The communication with his heart was eventually cut off. The pain he suffered had it's center in his stomach it seemed, not in his chest, so he didn't need to feel anything from there.

If his heart ever said something again, he didn't need to listen.

**I'm so sorry,L-kun!!!!T.T**

**Well...reviews means continuation...**

**Thank you for reading!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I will never own Death note. Be thankful.**

**Warning:Well...it is possible that L is OOC in this chapter...but he is grieving! **

**Chapter 2:Invisible glass**

Kira Yagami was an intelligent child. She had an intelligence quotient far above other five-years-olds and an extraordinary ability to comprehend. Her vocabulary was great and she could read and write almost like an adult thanks to what her parents had taught her.

But whenever a stranger spoke to the little girl, they actually got the impression that she was retarded because she refused to say a word to them. She wasn't much for talk even with people she did know. She was too busy thinking.

At the moment, she was thinking about her father who sat across the room and gave orders through his computer. Kira knew that L, or Ryuuzaki as he was named before strangers, was a very busy man. He had always been. But it seemed to her as if he had grown even more busy after her other fathers death. She had come to the conclusion that it was because he couldn't stand to spend time with her.

In fact he seemed to hate her. He never looked her in the eye. He rarely spoke to her. And he never, ever touched her. No hugging, no kissing on the cheek, no patting on the head, no holding hands. When second father had been alive, she had experienced plenty of those things almost too often.

When Kira had learned to stay on her feet at four years of age her fathers even used to dance with her. Father Light usually complained a lot about it and said that his social life would be ruined if someone saw that act of childish stupidity that father L called dancing. He complained, but he always danced with them when they asked and he always smiled.

Now, no one danced anymore. And no one smiled.

Not only one but both of Kira's parents had gone to a place where she couldn't follow them. Father L didn't seem to care about her anymore and she couldn't reach him.

Sometimes, when nobody was around, Kira cried. She just couldn't understand why she and father L had to be lonely when they had eachother.

She just missed their dancing too much.

* * *

The doorbell rang. Kira followed her only remaining father to the hall.

"Hello!" A woman saluted with a voice that could shatter glass as father L opened the door. Behind her were three other young women. All of them were bringing gifts. "We are neighbours! My name's..."

"Come in,"father L interrupted and attempted to smile but wasn't very successful. "What a...pleasant surprise. My ladies...?"He backed off as they entered the apartment and Kira could tell that he was terrified. She quickly hid behind him.

"What a pretty little daughter you have," one of the women with dazzling white teeth and blonde hair that obviously had been coloured said."No need to be shy, sweetie."

"She is a bit antisocial," father L explained and led them into the living room."She has it after me. I am Ryuuzaki, by the way. And this is Kira."

"Kira?" One of the women repeated. This one had glasses and seemed to have lost her bra judging from her low neck. "Isn't that the killer who killed criminals for some years ago?"

"May be so," L agreed absently and shut his computer as he sat down. Kira hurried to hide behind his armchair.

The women looked embarrassedly at eachother as L seemed to forget their existence and started sucking at a peppermint rock instead.

"Excuse me, Ryuuzaki," the first woman said after an awkward silence.

"Yes?" L looked at them for a second with eyes that made several of them wish they were somewhere else. Then he understood what she meant and made a gesture towards the three-piece suite in front of the only windows of the room. "You can sit down if you feel like it. But you can not have any of my candy and I can not allow you to stay for long since I have got work to do."

"Do you work from home?" A woman with curly dark hair and big silver earrings wondered. "What are you working with?"

"Yes, I do. I sell bonds over the Internet, " L answered and made another failing attempt to smile.

"Do you live here alone?"the teeth-woman asked and pouted her lips. L couldn't help but think that she appeared painfully stupid. "I'm Claire, by the way."

"No, I live here with Kira." L pretended not to understand what the question really meant.

The rest of the conversation continued in the same way. The women introduced themselves but L forgot their names as soon as they were done saying them. The low neck-woman tried to speak to Kira but gave up quickly.

Two of them made up bad excuses and left. The earrings-woman just glared and left without excuse but with her gift, clearly not impressed by her new neighbour.

"Do you believe in love?" The teeth-woman, who was the one left, leant over the table and tried to take Ls hand. He pulled away and got on his feet.

"I will walk you to the door," he said coldly. The woman frowned.

"I'm sorry, mister," she said and sounded offended. "I thought you were attractive but if you can't handle innocent flirting then I apologize."

L didn't speak until they had reached the hall.

"To answer your question," he smiled a bit apologizing."I do believe in love. But I do not believe in happy endings. And I am not interested in women so I advice the lady to stop looking as if I have assaulted her. Goodbye."

* * *

To Kira's surprise, when the last neighbour had left, her father spoke to her.

"We handled that pretty well, did we not?" he muttered ironically.

"They spoke to me as if I were five years old," Kira complained. Father L actually laughed at that comment.

"You are five years old," he reminded her and started chewing on his thumb.

"I'm no usual five-year-old," Kira reminded him and sat down on the mattress on the living room floor, that was her bed.

"I see you have your ego from your mother," father L scolded her. "Or from the father that gave birth to you more exactly."

"Is it true that I have father Light's eyes too?" Kira wondered thoughtlessly but got no answer.

Father L went back to his computer and the moment was over.

* * *

In the middle of the night L woke up. He could feel the tears coming to his eyes as he remembered the dream that had awaken him. Why did he always have to dream about Light-kun?

This time, they had been in their bed, kissing and talking and caressing as they had used to do those rare days when none of them had to work. Then, their bed had turned to a coffin. Light-kun had turned to a corpse-the corpse he now was- and L had fought to get out, but he'd been stopped by the chain to the handcuffs and then someone had closed the coffin and L knew he was being buried along with his lover...and he had no air but it didn't matter because he held Light-kuns cold hand so he wouldn't need to die alone...

He got out of his bed and looked out on the street without seeing it. Cold glass chilled his very feverish forehead as he pressed it against the window. He wanted to forget the dream but knew he would never succeed. It was by far the most symbolical dream he had ever had and he wasn't quite sure how to handle it.

"What did the dream tell you?" he asked himself. "That you should breakaway from the chain that connects you to Light-kun because he is dead and you are not? No..that sounds way too cheesy for your high-class subconsciousness. Why are you talking to yourself, L ?" He smiled at his own stupidity and proceeded, whispering so he wouldn't awake Kira."Maybe because your thoughts are so messy you have to say them out loud for them to make any sense? Or maybe...you just do not have anyone else to talk to?"

Maybe it was because he felt separated from the rest of the world. Dead, as in his dream. A ghost, a restless, homeless spirit that couldn't make contact with the living any longer. Not even his neighbours that solely tried to be nice to him.

Not even his own daughter.

How much he wanted to hug her when he saw her sleep, turning in her sheets and snoring loudly for such a little girl, how much he wanted to hold her and tell her that he'd only loved one person more than he loved her in his entire life. So why couldn't he?

Why did he let anything come between them?

_This bubble...these walls of invisible glass that keeps me apart from everyone else in this world._

* * *

"It has been a while since your last call. What owe me this pleasure?"

L sighed and looked around in the kitchen with the phone to his ear.

"Hello, Watari," he said at last. "I am sorry I have not been returning any of your calls." He heard the old man sigh too.

"Don't be. I am happy you finally want to talk again," Watari said simply. "I respect that you needed some time to grieve alone. It was only three months ago, after all."

"Three months, four days and about fifteen hours ago, I believe."

"Very likely, yes. However, I am relieved that you have come to your senses." Watari made a brief pause and L could tell he was about to give one of his infamous advices that he kept for moments like this."Because if people try to help you and you just keep turning them down, you won't get any help in the end."

"I am happy you are not that tired of me," L laughed a bit anxiously.

"So am I," Watari muttered and L could see before him how the old man twinned his mustache as he used to do when he was disappointed in someone but didn't say it out loud. "But let's forget that. I'm thankful for your call. Now, how are you?"

"I feel...I really do not know how I feel," L tried to explain and felt like an idiot. How was he feeling? "I do know one thing and that is that I am worried about Kira."

"What?" Watari exclaimed and then gave an unexpected laugh. "You startled me there. I forgot that Kira is the name of your daughter. Please, remember that I am an old man and don't scare me like that." His voice sounded familiar and warm and L suddenly realized that he missed him. "What is it about your daughter that makes you worry?"

"She seems so lonely," L answered and then started coming out with things he didn't even know he felt. "And I can not seem to take care of her in a way that she deserves. I am a dreadful excuse for a father. Maybe I should give up my custody while there still is time left to save some of her future." Not until the silence fell did L understand his own words-and that he meant what he said.

After a while, Watari spoke.

"Don't you love her?" he asked carefully.

"I do," L answered energetically. "But when it comes to social relations, I must be the dumbest genius ever."

"I have worked with orphans my whole life," Watari reminded him."I know how hard it is for a child to grow up without parents and I imagine you do too." L listened to his calming voice and held on to the phone as if it was his only lifeline. "Sure, some parents can not handle the task of parenting and both them and their children is better of separated but to split a family should always be a last resort. First you should try to solve the problems, don't you think?"

"Of course I do," L ensured him slowly.

"What is your problem with little Kira?" Watari wondered. "What is it that you think you are doing wrong?"

"Nothing," L said tonelessly."I do nothing to her. I never speak to her...It is just.." Quickly he looked around to make sure that Kira wasn't in the kitchen so she could hear him."...every time she talks to me...every time I see her it just.." He felt the tears blind his eyesight again. "She reminds me so much of Light-kun and it hurts and I really, really do not want her to see me cry." He was very glad she wasn't there when he finished that sentence.

Because then he cried, he cried so much he couldn't breath and so violently that, when he shoved his hand in his mouth to silence his own sobs, he bit his skin so hard it started to bleed. And it was the first time ever he let someone hear him cry, because thinking had always been the main priority in his life,not feeling. He wasn't good at feeling. It was just too painful.

* * *

After another tactful moment of silence Watari continued their conversation.

"I'm not very good at comforting," he said in a low voice. "But you should know how deeply it hurts me to hear you cry."

"I am sorry," L dried his eyes with his sleeve and tried to regain some control over himself."I... will pull myself together."

"Good," Watari considered."As an adult you can't let a child pay for your incapability to handle a loss. Pull yourself together and spend some time with her. I promise you it will heal faster that way."

"She is a good girl. I would not want to lose her too," L smiled a little. "It has done me good to speak to you. I miss you, and I am sure Kira wants to met her "grandfather" again. Can you please come over?"

"Just tell me what country you are in and I will be there," Watari promised. "Is there anything else you want to talk about before I go? I have some work to do."

L doubted for a long time before answering.

"Yes, actually I have had a thought that has been bothering me,"he admitted at last.

"What is that?" Watari asked patiently.

"What if..." L couldn't find the right words at first. "What if we are being punished?"

"What do you mean?"

"Light-kun was Kira and I let him go free. What if this is our punishment?"

"I didn't know you believed in a higher judgement."

L shrugged even though Watari couldn't see him.

"Well, I do believe in justice. Maybe Light-kun dying was just."

Watari sighed again.

"I honestly don't know what to say," he apologized tiredly.

"But in this case, the justice does seem a bit unfair," L continued without listening to him." Light-kun was not...no, he did not even remember ever being Kira...when he died. I would not think so much about this if it was not for the way he did die."

"Do you still have that surveillance tape?" Watari wanted to know.

"Yes, I do," L answered truthfully. "But I have not watched it for nearly a week."

After finishing the conversation and making sure that Kira still slept, L sat down to watch a certain tape which he hadn't seen for six days and thirteen hours.

**In the next chapter you will learn how Light died!Please review if you want to know sooner...**


	3. Chapter 3

**I'm terribly sorry I haven't been answering all reviews or updated earlier but I've been on a vacation. Now I'm back so here is your update! XD**

**Thank you so much for all the reviews ****J!**

**Also, the format is different because I use Microsoft works when I am at my father's place since I can't seem to successfully download OpenOffice to his computer…I would prefer OpenOffice but I really wanted to update as fast as possible.**

**Disclaimer: No ,I don't own!**

**Chapter 3:How he died**

As L stared at the television screen and waited for the video to start he remembered the day when the surveillance cameras had recorded that video. The 14th of May.

It had been a hot sunny day, similar to yesterday. The last day he saw Light Yagami smile.

* * *

"_My father will come here tonight," Light said and put his book away. L answered without looking up from his computer._

"_Your father? Do we have a special reason for dining with him? After all, he is not too fond of our relationship."_

"_Yeah…I have been thinking and…" The unusually tense tone in Light's voice made L shut his computer and crawl over to Light's side of the bed._

"_What is Light-kun plotting now?" he wondered and leant over the younger boy so their eyes met._

"_I figured…"Light began and looked down to escape L's gaze. "That it is about time that we get engaged."_

"_Engaged?" L repeated, shocked. "As in soon getting married?"_

"_Yes," Light smiled self-confidently but still didn't look at L." We are living together, we are raising our child and we sleep with each other. It would only be natural. Besides, it would also be a way for me to really show my father that I'm serious about this. So I invited him for dinner along with mom and Sayu so we could tell them about our engagement."_

"_Light-kun seems to forget something essential in the context." L did his best to burn holes into Light's head with his eyes._

"_Really?" Light wondered and glared back._

"_I have not agreed to get engaged," L pointed out, "because Light-kun has not yet asked me. Not to mention that he tries to force me into giving him a positive answer by inviting his family over before I have said yes." _

"_No, I don't!" Light objected quickly and gave an innocently but not completely convincing laugh. "I'm not trying to force you into anything. I just assumed you'd say yes."_

"_Such overconfidence is not suiting your perfect personality," L said dryly. With a sigh Light turned away, most likely to hide his disappointment._

"_So you say no?" he asked with a forced untroubled tone._

"_I never said that." L turned around so he could lie down beside Light with his head on his arm. "If Light-kun had asked as a substitute of trying to manipulate me, he would surely have known my answer by now." With that said, he leant over and kissed the younger boy on the cheek. "And my answer is yes."_

_Light's brown eyes widened. For a while he seemed angry but then he started to laugh instead._

"_Don't scare me like that." He tried to tickle L as revenge but wasn't very successful. "You made me feel like an idiot."_

"_But I also made Light-kun laugh," L smiled," and that happens all too seldom."_

"_You just can't help saying cheesy stuff, can you?" Light sighed._

_L only kept smiling and kissed him gently on his neck this time._

"_You like me this way," he said between kisses that made his soon-to-be fiancée shiver. "Admit it."_

"_I can manage," Light answered kind of breathlessly and pulled his long fingers through L's tangled hair. "And when you eventually…God, stop that!…get me an extremely expensive dream wedding you can be as cheesy as you want for the rest of our marriage."_

"_Which of course will last forever," L added ironically and did his best not to let the sensation of Light's fingers- the special, extra luxurious soap he used did make his skin wonderfully soft- affect how steady his voice was. He himself thought he succeeded pretty well but judging from Light's glittering eyes, the younger boy didn't agree._

"_No…seriously." Light pulled away and without his body heat L felt ridiculously cold. "We don't have time for sex. You should go pick up Kira from Watari so can I buy food to our dinner tonight."_

"_Light-kuuun," L whined and grabbed his sleeve. "Watari can drop Kira off later. He likes spending time with her. And he can go shopping too."_

_Light doubted. Then he kissed L before pulling free and getting out of their bed._

"_No." He smiled deploring. "I want this dinner to be perfect so I shall get the groceries myself. And I also haven't gone outside today at all. After my pregnancy, I easily gain weight so I need to exercise."_

"_Light-kun's body resemblance a stick, "L considered and took out a bag of caramels from beneath his pillow. After carefully selecting one, he unwrapped it and glared absently at it. "Not to mention that scientists have proved that sex is a great way of exercising."_

"_Enough said. We can't just use Watari all the time and I want to go shopping." Light watched as L sucked on the caramel, spit it out in his hand to look at it again (he saw Light frown in disgust at this) and then picked it up with his tongue and swallowed it. _

"_Stop being horny," the brown-haired boy demanded when L didn't answer. "And clean the house before you go to pick up Kira."_

"_Does Light-kun have any idea of how long time it would take to, to use his vague term, clean a house of this quantity?" L wondered indignantly while forcing himself to accept that he would not get a fulfillment of a fundamentally natural need when he wanted it. "If he by cleaning indicates vacuum-clean, dust, mop the floor _and_ pick up all loose items- tasks that I have no experience of whatsoever - it is not something I would be able to finish before the end of this week. Do I really have to remind you that a house this big was your dream house and therefore can not be my responsibility to clean?" Light shrugged and made a face when he stepped on a lump of sugar that got stuck on his sock._

"_Whatever," he said and threw the sugar in a trashcan who's existence L constantly denied. "Just pick up the ´loose items´ in the hall and the kitchen , if it's not too much work for you?"_

"_Bye honey." L waved as Light walked towards the bedroom door. In the doorway, the chocolate-haired boy turned around and gave one of his rare, true smiles._

"_When I get back I must prepare dinner, but then you can have me all night long," Light promised before he left._

When I get back.

_L paid more attention to his caramels and only saw Light's smile in the corner of his eye, and he would forever hate himself for not really looking. After all, it was Light's last smile._

When I get back? Never.

* * *

This memory flashed through L's head for just a few minutes. When it disappeared, the video had already started. It showed busy people hurrying through a mall, but Light wasn't in it yet. L paused the tape. He needed some time to get himself together before watching it.

As he leant his forehead towards his knees and tried to breath slower (these sort of intense memories always raised his pulse) he came to think of the other surveillance tapes.

Those tapes he had recorded for what seemed ages ago, when he suspected Light-kun of being Kira and kept him under surveillance 24/7. Hour after hour of the boy sitting in his room, studying, eating, sleeping…living.

L forced himself to stay calm when he thought of that, deep breaths, inhale through the nose, exhale through the mouth.

Just after Light's funeral, he had locked the door to the living room and watched those tapes without taking any breaks or even eating a single sweet until he lost the idea of time. 

And, which had been his intention, until he had looked so much at Light-kun that he had forgotten that the boy was dead.

But then, Watari had picked the lock to the door and forced L to leave the living room, and when L had sneaked back in, all the tapes were gone.

So now, the only tape he still had left was the one he was about to watch. The fact that the other tapes were gone gave him a bittersweet feeling.

On one hand, he missed them, he wanted to see Light turn restlessly in his sleep, bite his pen while thinking, write so fast and still have a perfect handwriting and stare absent-mindedly out the window when he stopped writing for a moment.

On the other hand, he was glad that they were gone, because they had proved to be bad for his physical and psychical wellbeing, because he had lost contact with reality watching them and it was frightening, and also because they reminded L of Light's dark side, of Kira.

A side that it felt irreverently to think about now that he was dead.

However, he would have to remember thanking Watari for getting rid of those tapes when the old man came to visit.

He had told Watari a lot of things when he noticed they were gone, but he couldn't recall "Thank you" being one of them.

* * *

When the tape started again, L felt very tense.

To see this always hurt so bad. Not in his silent heart of course, the sound, the cry of pain, always came from his stomach. It felt the way he imagined it would feel to get your guts corroded by acid.

But still, he needed to see this tape every now and then, because it helped him to understand.

A mall. Busy people. This specific surveillance camera was located above the entrance to a bakery and showed in a wide angle both those who entered the store and those who simply passed by. L leant closer to the screen when a familiar figure with brown hair and thin grey jacket came into view.

Light stopped outside the bakery and seemed to ponder for a while, pulling his hand- those pale fingers, those soft, tender fingers- through his still wet and therefore darker hair ( he had taken a shower before he left but L hadn't cared to say goodbye a second time).

Suddenly, a woman bumped into him and dropped one of her many shopping bags so a bunch of things wrapped in paper fell out.

The tape had no sound but L could read on Light's lips that he apologized "a thousand times". The boy then bent down so his lips- rich, cold, delicious lips- weren't visible but L was quiet sure that he kept apologizing as he picked up the woman's things. It was just so typical Light. He was so polite he would apologize if he saw a nudist naked.

The woman spoke, L read something like "Thank you" but he wasn't interested in what she said. Light bowed his head and L only guessed that he had a fake smile on his lips when he handed her the bag.

After the woman had left, Light went towards the entrance to the bakery, searching his pocket for something. Just as Light took out his brown wallet, L saw another woman, a tall one with dark hair, high collar and sunglasses covering her face move close to the same entrance with one hand in her pocket.

And now came the moment when L wanted nothing stronger than to close his eyes, but couldn't stop watching more than he could stop breathing.

The anonymous woman raised her hand from the pocket- something flashed in the strong white lights from the fluorescent tubes- and suddenly stood in Light's way.

Light looked a little surprised at first but then he moved to her left side to get past her.

And the woman stabbed him three times with her kitchen knife. In his chest, in his hand, in his stomach.

L's eyesight became blurry because of his tears but he had seen this scene enough times to remember it perfectly in his mind.

The woman turning around and running into the bakery. The blood pouring, so bright on the grey jacket, on his pale skin.

Light screaming and falling to his knees. It was no sound on the tape but L still used to think that he could hear that scream just by looking. Or maybe not hear…

He could feel it.

Light fell forward, bleeding badly, badly, his blood like a waterfall, a red sea quickly growing around him, his twitching fingers still resting on his boring brown bloodstained wallet.

That woman must have hit his aorta pretty skillfully.

So, his fingers stopped twisting.

L wished he could have seen Light's eyes so he would have known exactly when he passed away, because he did die.

The amount of blood didn't lie, L's eyes wasn't deceiving him. Losing to his tears, L turned off the TV and sat down on the kitchen floor, crying as silently as possible.

* * *

The woman that had killed Light had also murdered one costumer in the bakery and wounded the salesman before she slit her own throat. When the police examined the events more closely, they found out that the woman was a mentally instable person whose criminal brother had been killed by Kira on the 14th of May 2004, which at the day of her murders had been exactly six years ago. Because the woman loved her brother deeply, she had gotten a mental breakdown after his death and been treated on a mental facility, until they decided she was well the 27th of April 2010 and discharged her.

The police's only explanation was that she had lost it because it was the anniversary of her brother's death, taken a knife from her kitchen and at totally random killed two people and wounded a third and thereafter committed suicide in a final act of desperation.

Sure, weirder things had happened. The human psyche was a fragile, illogical thing impossible to fully understand. 

But L just didn't like the sound of "Kira being killed by a relative to one of his victims, that didn't know that he was Kira".

The killer dies at last. By a coincidence, it is by the hand of someone that has all reasons to hate him. L could never stop think about it.

He could never, not even while his mind was clouded by sorrow and his eyes flooded by tears, stop ask himself:

Was it really a coincidence?

_That woman, his killer, must have cried for her brother as I do for Light-kun._

**The next chapter will have a visit from Watari and another flashback, I think J!**

**This idea came to me when I considered that the criminals must have relatives too, although it's never mentioned anywhere in Death note…At first I wanted it to be Naomi that killed Light after surviving the Death note in some incredible way but it didn't seem to fit her personality. Sadly, because I liked that idea!**

**And for those of you who reads my other story, I will update it too as soon as I can! **


	4. Chapter 4

**I am so sorry for the wait!!I am busy,lazy and type painfully slowly on the computer. Please forgive me! At least now my summer vacation has started so I will update more often, promise. Also, I have a oneshot up. Please take your time to go to my profile and R&R it:)!**

**And thank you to Blaqheartedstar for the idea about the naming of Kira.:)) **

**Disclaimer:Nope, I don't own.**

**Chapter 4:Kira**

_It was early in the morning and the chill of the night still lingered below the green trees of the park. Down by the lake in the middle the mist still covered everything, making it impossible to look from one side to the other. The park was empty._

_Or almost._

"_You suck,Ryuuzaki, you know that?" an irritated voice echoed over the newly mowed lawn, breaking the fragile silence._

"_I strongly advice Light-kun to stop complaining and enjoy the beautiful morning," L muttered and halted to wait for his boyfriend,who was in the late stages of pregnancy, and couldn't move fast at all. He actually looked more like he waddled than walked, but L didn't think it would be a very good idea to laugh at him. "May I remind you that this was your idea?"_

"_I know," Light panted and finally caught up with him. "But you don't have to walk so fast. My back and my feet...no, my entire body, just hurt so fucking much. How does women live with this pregnancy-thing?" He stopped too and after seeing how pale he was, L softened and made him sit down on the nearest park-bench._

"_I am sorry, Light-kun," the detective said and sat down next to him. "I am not good at waiting for people, but I do not want you to overexert yourself, so I guess I will have to learn." _

_Light nodded, seeming a little too tired to talk, and absently adjusted his sunhat. He was sensitive to everything now, food, L's sweets, obviously physical exercises,everything dirty and, of some obscure reason, cats. He was so sensible to heat that he had to wear a sunhat even when it was cloudy. Not if it was raining, though, because then he refused to go outside at all- he couldn't stand to get wet. This had worried them both in the beginning but since pregnancy wasn't a normal state for a male it would only be natural with complications, and on their latest health check both Light and the baby(a girl) had been fine._

_However, L suspected that Light often exaggerated, and just used his sensitiveness to get everything the way he wanted. It was a little too much "Ryuuzaki, throw away that candy, it makes me feel sick" or "Ryuuzaki,I can't eat cheap food- I'll never keep it!" or "Ryuuzaki, let me rest and bring me some raw mince meat, and clean here. I can't sleep when it look like this."_

_The only thing he wasn't sensitive to was the weird food he ate, which often was raw and inevitably expensive. _

"_Only one more month," Light sighed and shut his eyes. "This is wearing me out." L gave him a smile he hoped was encouraging and patted him on his big belly._

"_This is wearing me out too," he said affectionately and kissed his boyfriend on his cold cheek. "Also, I am looking froward to the day when I may sleep with you again."_

"_It's not my fault that my body hurts so much," Light muttered irritably. His mood-swings was also a bad side-effect of the pregnancy. L tried to think of a way to change the subject. It was no fun at all to quarrel with Light these days- he either started to hit you or burst out crying halfway through an angry comment. Besides, you couldn't kick someone that was eight months pregnant._

"_So, have you come up with any good suggestions for what we should name our daughter?" L asked quickly, and sighed from relief when Light took the bait._

"_I have been thinking," the brown-eyed boy said. "But I don't know..what about Sayu?" L felt a shiver down his spine._

"_Light-kun, we are not naming our baby after your sister." He glared at his boyfriend with an even more intense gaze than usual. Any ordinary human would have died if L looked at them like that, but Light was not an ordinary human- he was an ex-massmurderer, a perfect prince charming, a genius and he was pregnant- so he just glared back._

"_No..I don't really want that either," he confessed at last and gave up their staring contest. "It was Sayu who wanted that. But how about..Misa?" _

"_Our daughter shall NEVER wear the name of a prostitute," L objected with an unusual heat. "And before you suggest it, I say no to Yuri and Kiyomi and whatever those other cheap sluts you played pimp with were named. And naming her Saichiko would be child abuse. Give me some decent suggestions, please." L knew that it was stupid of him to get worked up over this, and use words like "pimp" and "slut", but that Light even mentioned Misas name still made him jealous. Light seemed to understand this, because he only smiled complacently._

"_If none of my names fit, you come up with something," the copper-eyed demanded and crossed his arms over the pink maternity dress he was wearing. L would of course never say that, but he was so hopelessly lost in love(and so horny) that he thought even maternity clothing in pastel colours made Light look sexy._

"_Names?" he repeated absently. He really missed having sex with Light...so soft, so hard..and his screams.._

"_I'm waiting," the object of his dirty fantasy said and raised an eyebrow._

"_Oh.." L looked up and tried to come up with something more than the sensation of wet lips and those perfect with teeth nibbling in his neck. "Well...how about Mella? Or Near..ie? Mattia?"_

"_That would not be child abuse," Light stated and then started laughing." It would be child murder_

_!You know, I met your successors once, and that was more than enough."_

"_Mello-kun disliked you too," L smiled and looked away from Light, because apparently he couldn't rest his eyes on him without thinking of sex. Which was more than a little embarrassing, and a thing he knew he could never tell Light. It would just boost his ego even more, and that was certainly not needed. _

"_I didn't mean to piss him off," Light defended himself. "His hair does look like a wig. Besides, I think he was jealous because he knew I had slept with his great idol." L sighed and tried to focus on what Light was saying. He was the greatest detective in the world, it was ridiculous that he let one person affect him so much. Love and desire evidently reduced his brain capacity with at least 32._

_And, he couldn't deny it, it was worth it. _

"_Mello-kun tends too be possessive of everyone," L said honestly. "With Matt he says "My toy", with me he declares "My idol" and even with Near he says "My enemy". You should not take it personally." _

"_I don't" Light ensured him. "But I still didn't like any of them. And you still haven't come up with any decent suggestions." L thought for a moment._

"_What do you think about Naomi?" he wondered at last. Light yawned and leant towards L, with his head on the detectives shoulder. The colour had returned to his cheeks, but he was still drowsy._

"_I think," he murmured and shut his eyes. "That your imagination sucks." And suddenly, L just knew what they should name their child._

"_Kira!" he said loudly and couldn't hide a triumphant smile. "It will be perfect if we name her Kira. Kira Yagami." Light, on the other hand, didn't seem all too pleased. He sat up and his sleepiness had abruptly disappeared._

"_No way in hell!" he objected and slapped L right in his face. The detective started, more out of surprise than of pain. "We will so not name our daughter after a crazy massmurderer! It would be wrong. How do you think everyone would react? What would they think? The other kids would pick on her, and.."_

"_Light-kun," L cut in. "Calm down. If anyone dared pick at our child, I am positive that you could bitchslap them to death. As for what people would think...I could not care less." He made a brief pause and looked right at Light, black eyes meeting copper ones. "To name her Kira would be fair. And you know I believe in justice." Light immediately looked away, the brown hair hid his eyes, his cheeks were painted with a faint blush and his delicate hands uncomfortably played with the hem on his maternity dress._

_He didn't have any memories of being Kira, but L knew that he was smart enough to still suspect himself, and it always made Light very nervous to dig deeper into the subject. Therefore, they usually didn't talk about it( L didn't like to be reminded of that little detail either)._

_But now, L felt that there was an inescapable justice in naming their daughter like that because neither of them deserved to completely ignore their past sins._

_Plus he kind of liked the name._

* * *

"I can see him, dad!" Kira shouted and tugged the sleeve of L's sweater.

They were on the railway station, waiting for Watari. It was a boring, rainy day and people around them either looked irritated, stressed or unhappy. But upon hearing the little girl shout so happily, some actually smiled a bit at her.

L got closer to Kira, but without touching her, and turned his disturbing glare to the passers-by. He disliked when other adults looked at his daughter- who knew what they could be after. Since he wasn't used to going outside, he felt very uncomfortable in such a crowded place, and Kira, that hadn't been around many others than her father since Light's death, felt it too. L had both makeup covering the bags under his eyes and a hooded jacket to hide his hair but that didn't seem to make him any calmer at all.

"Silence yourself," the detective told his daughter. "There are humans looking at us."

"Sorry," Kira muttered and pulled away from him. As she did, she discovered Watari not far away from them.

"Grandpa!" Kira shouted, completely ignoring her father, and ran towards him. L followed hesitatingly when the girl reached the old man and hugged him. The relationship between Kira and Watari had always been very warm. They had always acted as if they were family, and Kira usually referred to Watari as "Grandpa". This had bothered L because it was incorrect- Watari was not his father after all, he had never had parents- but Light had encouraged it because it was "So adorable".

Which in itself was rather scary, adorable was not a word that sounded natural in Light Yagami's mouth. To have a baby really did change the ex-massmurderer.

"Ryuuzaki?" Watari's familiar voice made him abandon those thoughts. "Is everything alright?"

"Welcome," L said instead of answering. Then he turned his back at the two while gnawing almost frenetically on his thumb. "Let us go...to the place we live in." He couldn't say home.

Light wasn't there.

_

* * *

_

Light-kun, you are like a disease to me, you infest my thoughts, you make me weak. I seem incapable of escaping you. And not even your death could cure me. It is pathetic.

* * *

Kira couldn't remember the last time she had been so happy. Or maybe she could, but she didn't like to think about it. She didn't really want to know.

Grandpa Watari was not like father L at all- he could smile at her, talk to her and he even took her down to the park for ice-cream.

"I have work to do," father L said when the old man asked if he wanted to join them, and disappeared into the living room.

"Let us go by ourselves then," Watari smiled at L's daughter and took her hand. Kira's amber eyes were huge.

"Where are we going?" she asked both eagerly and nervously.

"To the park that's right beneath your kitchen window, maybe?" Watari suggested. "Haven't you been there before?"

Kira shook her head.

"Up until today," she explained matter-of-factly, "I have not been outside of this apartment since we got here. Father says he is going to home school me, but he is always busy, so I have nothing to do. But I don't want to sneak out because he will just hate me more." This made the old man frown deeply.

"Why won't he let you go out?" he wondered sharply, his eyes darkened with anger. He didn't scare the girl because she understood that he wasn't mad at her.

"Father says that the outside is too cruel for me to face alone. And he doesn't have time to go with me." She looked down on the red gym shoes father Light had bought to her for what seemed ages ago, when things were a lot less complicated and she hadn't lost both her parents.

"Well, now I can go with you," Watari said and adjusted his glasses. He gently pulled her with him out of the apartment and down the stairs, to the park that almost seemed to be glowing with green in the rain. Kira was excited, happy, somewhat sad and scared at the same time when she felt the soft drops of water hit her face- how she loved that rain, like floating, falling freedom- and she convinced Watari to keep his umbrella for himself and let the rain reach her.

Maybe not the ideal day for ice-cream, but she wanted one anyway. She chose a strawberry ice-cream as she used to (Father L had called it the "Strawberry-gene" and said that it made him proud). Once, he really must have liked her. But not anymore,she thought with the entire conviction and bitterness of a five-year-old.

As she ate, she lifted her head and tried to calculate which window in the closest apartment building was their kitchen window. At last, she found it. It had no curtains but it was still hard to look in because of the weather.

Then, she saw a movement, and for a short dreamlike moment, she thought she could see L standing in his usual posture in their kitchen. He had the same uncontrollable raven hair as she had and his dead black eyes looked down on her through the glass, a pale spider-like hand was pressed against the window as if he wanted to grasp her small trembling hands.

But she blinked, and he was gone.

* * *

"What are you planning to do with her when she gets older? You can't just lock her up forever!"

"She has home school with me as a teacher. She will be fine."

"Kira needs other children and adults. You are not protecting her by doing this."

"I know that..I just..I do not trust the people in this world to leave her alone. And I will go with her when I get time."

"According to her, you never have time for her! Not to teach her anything either. Certainly not to follow her outside. You can not protect her by locking her up, you will just make her even more vulnerable, and helpless."

"I suppose you are right. But even if I take my time to be with her, I am afraid I can not behave normally around her. I know we have already discussed this, I know that I should take myself together. It is just really hard to do it. I seem to be sounding irritated as soon as I talk to her. I want to tell her I am not angry...but what if I am?"

"You are her father. If you are angry, or sad, should not matter. If you truly love her as a parent should- above everything else- then you should overcome your emotions and show her that."

"..."

"Ryuuzaki?"

"The problem is..I am not sure that I love her...above _everyone _else."

Kira heard their voices faint as they left the living room. She wondered if they really believed that she would sleep all the way through their argument.

The night was threatening and cold, she pulled her blanket over her face to protect herself from whatever there was out to harm her.

She could soon hear father L come back into the room and start his usual typing on the computer. Before she finally drifted off into sleep, she even thought she could her him sob.

And then she knew what to do.

* * *

When Watari woke up, he was alone in the living room. Both Kira's mattress and L's armchair were empty. The clouds from yesterday had completely vanished during the night and it was a bright sunny day again. The old man got up from the sofa and wished that he was younger when he felt his back ache. To most people, he seemed very energetic and vivid for his age but some days he couldn't help but feel tired, almost weary.

Right now, it was because of L. He didn't know how to help him, and even worse, he wasn't really sure how to help Kira either. Clearly just being there didn't do much, even if it was a beginning.

As the great inventor and thinker he was, Watari did not like feeling helpless. But as for now, he would just have to deal with it.

"Good morning, Ryuuzaki," he said as he entered the kitchen and saw L on a kitchen chair, typing furiously on his computer. "Where is you daughter?" Without looking up, L took a sip from his teacup and made a pause in his typing.

"I do not know," he answered and sounded like he didn't care either."I have been seated here since a quarter past three this night. I moved because your snoring made it hard to concentrate." Upon hearing this, Watari was slightly alarmed, and left the kitchen without another word. Where could she be?

Then he realized how stupid it was to worry. She was probably only using the bathroom.

She wasn't. She was nowhere in the small apartment or the stairs. He looked out over the park but he couldn't spot her. It wasn't until he went back to the living room to check her mattress again- like he could have missed her- that he found the note. It was an ordinary paper taken from a notebook, and he recognized Kira's childish handwriting.

It said: **Dear father L**

**I know I am a burden for you and I can't stand it. I love you.**

**I decided to run away. Don't worry, I have a safe place to go to.**

**Please, don't come and look for me. **

**Kira**

Under those lines there was a message to Watari himself.

**Dear Grandpa**

**I love you. I am sorry. Thanks for the ice-cream.**

**Kira**

For the first time in an unknown number of years, Watari wanted to cry.

* * *

**Yeah,finally finished:)!Please review, I need suggestions for what should happen in the flashbacks now and I really want to hear what you think. Thanks for reading! **


	5. Chapter 5

**Hello again:)!The flashback in this chapter is after ideas from Mirage88 and Launigsiae.I am still open for suggestion but I think I have enough for a few future chapters XDD!!Thanks so much to anyone who left a review with or without suggestions!Please keep reading and reviewing.**

**Disclaimer:Death note should be a lot more fluffy and a lot less ingenious if I owned it..be grateful!**

**Chapter 5: Wammy's house**

"L Lawliet." Watari's voice was cold and the fact that he used his real name made the detective feel more than a little nervous. He actually had to work to sound emotionless when he answered.

"What is it? I am busy,if you have not..."

"Kira is gone," Watari interrupted abruptly and tossed a piece of paper over his key-board. "Read this. You drove a five year old girl out of your home,your own daughter. Now she's out there,all alone. Don't talk to me, Lawliet, and get that dumb look of your face."

For once, L simply did as he was told and read the letter Kira had left to them both. After finishing it, he had became pale even compared to what he usually looked like.

She was gone. Kira. His _daughter._

And the only person to blame for it was L himself.

He didn't dare to look at Watari. What was he going to do? In the letter she asked him not to come and look for her, but that was of course out of the question.

He was L, after all. He could mobilize all the police forces in the world if he wanted to search for Kira. But then again, if he did that it would be like telling the rest of the world how important she was, which may put her in danger instead of saving her from it...no, he would just have to trust herself like he used to. He had helped raising the girl. It shouldn't be too hard to figure out how she was thinking.

If he could focus on that instead of remembering her as a baby,that was. She was so small, so vulnerable. Every parents nightmare must be to know that their child was alone but not know where.

Because the world was ugly and dirty, and a parent wanted their child to stay pure.

_

* * *

_

It had been forever. No, it had been forever a hundred times over. L wasn't used to waiting and when it was his daughter he was waiting for, he found it insufferable. The minute-hand on the clock on the hospital wall moved, making him less sure that time had stopped and more sure that it was just going extremely slowly.

_It was Light who had decided that he didn't want L to be present when he was giving birth._

"_You wouldn't want to see that," he had repeated numerous times and even though L would have agreed to see anything as long as he didn't need to wait, it was Light's choice to make._

_Long before this day they had decided on Cesarean section, and when a nurse came out from the operation room where Light was and said that it had started, time had seemed to slow down even more. L had tried everything- going over old cases in his head, reading some of the magazines that lay in the waiting room but couldn't make out a single word, making a mental list over all candy he could remember eating, yes, he even tried solving crosswords (The whole magazine took him almost ten whole minutes)- but he couldn't concentrate fully on any of those things._

_He shut his eyes and started counting his breaths, determined not to look at the clock again before he had counted to 900. When he had reached 493 a nurse broke his concentration._

"_Excuse me, sir," she said and he started and opened his eyes._

"_What is it?" he wondered, more impolitely than he meant to. But she seemed to be used to nervous soon-to-be fathers because she only smiled at him._

"_Do you want to see your daughter now?"_

_L blinked a couple of times._

"_I have a daughter?"he questioned after a moment of total confusion. The nurse nodded and gave a little giggle._

"_You have a perfectly healthy, wonderful little child,"she answered proudly, like it didn't happen every day all around the world._

_Of course it didn't, not for L, so she had a point. Suddenly, the raven haired man was overcome by a strange and unfamiliar feeling, best described as pure happiness, and he quickly got on his feet._

"_Your..eh..wife is fine too, but she is very tired," the nurse added, and L did not even bother to correct her._

_He had a child._

_L, the worlds most lonely man, had a child._

_The nurse showed him to the door, as if he didn't know the way there, and to his own dismay, his hands were actually shaking when he pressed the doorhandle._

_Light was in the far end of the room in a bed with white sheets. They must have cleaned up quickly 'cause L didn't see very much blood at all. The young, brown-haired male looked exhausted but happy and he held a very small being in his arms that had a very strong resemblance to a baby. Two nurses and a doctor stood by the foot of the bed and all of them looked slightly shocked. It wasn't everyday a man gave birth, after all._

"_Ryuuzaki!" Light called. The detective noticed that he had stopped and started to walk again. He really must struggle to control his breathing as he approached the bed._

_He couldn't recall ever being so tense before._

"_Look at her!" Light smiled brightly, he was sweaty and pale and his perfect hair was an entangled mess, but L had never seen him look so beautiful. It looked like he was glowing from the inside. "Look at how tiny she is!And she has my eyes!Oh my god, look at her eyes." He held up the being, wrapped in a swaddle, with a round pale face, no hair and two giant, almost golden eyes. And it-her-opened a mouth without teeth and started to scream. Light hugged her tightly again and hushed._

"_It is indeed a tiny creature," L said just because he couldn't come up with anything else. It was just such an odd moment. Very real. Very dreamlike._

_The baby had a really small hand with chubby fingers that waved outside the swaddle. L found himself being hypnotized by those miniature fingers that belonged to his daughter. His daughter that was so little, so fragile, and so very much alive._

"_Isn't she the sweetest child you have ever seen?" Light wondered,overjoyed, when the baby took a pause in her screaming. "Have you seen her toes? And her fingers? And look at those little ears! And her eyes are even more beautiful than mine. Did you hear her screaming? She has a lovely voice! I can't wait 'til she learns to talk!"_

_L had never really understood the whole fuss about babies. They were just people after all, only more noisy and less experienced. But now, upon hearing Light babble happily like a real fool and upon seeing their daughter closing her brown eyes- like it was the simplest thing in world- he could almost understand that special sort of madness. _

_A birth must be the most natural thing in the world, besides death. And yet, that newborn child was the closest to a miracle he had ever seen._

* * *

Kira was tired. Things were going well this far, but she was a runaway after all so she couldn't really feel happy. She had gone on a train and stayed close to a woman with four other children, and this far, no one had noticed that she didn't have a ticket. She had taken some money before she ran away, but she doubted that anyone would sell a ticket to a five-year-old. And as it turned out, she didn't even need it. People never really saw children if they weren't looking for them.

The young girl sighed and shut her eyes. Almost every seat was taken, and it was hot and sticky in the compartment. The four children jumped around everywhere and a little group of tourists, that seemed to be collecting empty beer bottles, was having a screaming conversation. Kira's head hurt and she found herself doubting.

Maybe this was really a stupid idea? Maybe she should go back? She had only a vague idea of what she was going to do otherwise. And the world was a scary, cruel place when you were all alone.

In the note she had left to her father she had claimed that she knew a safe place- which wasn't exactly true. It was just something she had written to calm him down.

She didn't mean to hurt or scare her father by running away, or well, maybe a little because he had hurt her, but mostly she just wanted to escape him. She couldn't help but think that father L lied when he said that he loved her. It was so obvious that he couldn't stand her.

Maybe her running away was the only way to solve things. To make him happy again.

To put the world that had been torn apart back together.

* * *

England was very special for L. His mother had been a quarter English, and he had stayed there longer than he had stayed in any other country, except Japan. Also, it was Watari's homeland and L often visited it to meet the orphans at Wammy's house.

So it was only natural that L chose to move to England after Light's death.

Kira knew a lot about England. Both L and Watari had spoken about it and she also loved to study the map over the country. Watari had even told her once where Wammy's house was located and she still remembered it.

As she now sat on the train, she realized that it was to Wammy's she was going. She had never been introduced to anyone there,so she wouldn't be recognized. She didn't mean to stay for long- if anybody saw her they might call the police or, even worse, Watari, but just temporarily. If she could sneak in and borrow a room over the night at least she wouldn't have to worry about where to sleep. And then she could continue to...yeah,where?

A young, lonely girl couldn't trust many people in this world, this L had told her numerous times. If she could keep to places where there were other children, perhaps she would be safe? But if the adults discovered her they might call the police...

With another little sigh she stopped her reasoning. It was to hot and noisy to think. For the moment, she had to be happy with that she at least had a goal. Maybe, once she reached the orphanage with all those geniuses, she would somehow become a genius too and get an idea?

And even if she didn't, she got to see Wammy's house. After all the things she had heard about it, she imagined it to be a kind of special place.

The family she had been hiding among left the train, so she spent the rest of the journey on the toilet just to be sure. When she reached her station a guard actually questioned her but she said that her mother had already gone off and he let her run, muttering something about irresponsible parents.

It was a small town and only two other passengers left the train along with Kira. She asked and older man that passed on the street about the orphanage, and he pointed out the right direction for her- through the town center and then out on a small road towards the moor. As she started walking, she felt cold. She remembered that she had forgotten her jacket on the train and got mad on herself. It was still sunny, but it had become so windy that the sun didn't really help.

Kira wasn't used to physical exercises and she definitely wasn't good at them. The paediatrician that had examined her back in Japan had worried a lot because she was so weak, and now Kira understood why. Her backpack was heavy and the wind made the walk even harder. She had to stop all the time to catch her breath.

After far too much time, the young girl reached the gates to a big, old house with even larger garden. A sign said Wammy's house, so she carefully opened the gate and entered. She could her children screaming and laughing from a place somewhere to her left, but it didn't seem to be anyone around the entrance to the house, and the door was open.

As fast as she could she hurried over the lawn and then up the stairs. She had to catch her breath again before she entered the house. The interior was even more impressing then the exterior . The roof was high like in a church, and something like a million doors in ebony and with golden doorknobs took up the walls. The floor had a light brown carpet and the walls were dark blue with paintings of constellations and planets.

Kira took a moment to just stare. Sure, their house in Japan had been big and elegant(and tasteful, because father Light had decorated it himself), but nothing like this.

And then she heard a bell ring, probably calling for lunch, and the sound of children approaching.

Terrified, she tried the closest door. It was locked.

So was the next, and the next. Just as she heard someone run up the stairs outside she finally found a door that was open and ran into the room.

This door had no lock, so she just shut it and hurried to hide under the only bed until the sound of the children had passed. She felt relieved as she crawled out from under the bed and looked around. At least, no one had discovered her yet.

It was a small room with white walls and an unmade bed. The bedding were striped in green and white. There also was one window with blue curtains and a dead flower at the windowsill. The only other furniture in the room was a black bureau and on top of it was a high pile of books and a lot of empty wrappers to some sort of candy.

Kira sat down on the bed and put her backpack on the floor. It was obvious that someone lived here, so she couldn't stay for long. But as long as they had lunch should be fine. And she was really tired...

Without thinking anymore she crawled down in the bed and buried her face in a pillow that smelled faintly of some kind of flower shampoo. She was just gonna rest...

She fell asleep soon after finishing that thought.

* * *

"...What the hell is this?"

"What?"

"It's something in my bed.." The two voices had found their way into Kira's dreams and she was slowly starting to wake up. She didn't recognize them- they didn't belong to father L or Watari, or even father Light that she dreamed so much about, so at first she couldn't make out where she was.

"It's just a little girl. Isn't she cute?" the second voice said.

"No. And I don't want her in my bed." The first voice sounded a bit irritated now."It's just because Roger removed the lock from my door so that every fucking creep can get in here." Kira guessed that it was the owner of the second voice that sighed.

"You mean we can't keep her?" the second voice wondered sadly.

"No."

Kira was now fully awake, but she didn't really dare to let them see it. Then, someone shook her a bit violently and she realized that she better stop pretending that she was sleeping or they might go and get someone.

So she opened her eyes. The boy that had shaken her had really weird orange glasses, bright red hair and a kind of goofy grin. His clothes were weird too...maybe he was some kind of circus performer? She noticed when he spoke that he was the owner to the second voice.

"Look, she's awake!" he exclaimed and patted her on the head with a gloved hand. "Don't be afraid. We aren't going to hurt you."

"Whatever," the first voice cut in and Kira saw that it had a face that didn't suit it at all. The face was beautiful and effeminate but it was still obvious from the voice that this too was a boy. He had the nerdiest haircut Kira had ever seen, but his golden blonde hair had a quality that would have made father Light very jealous. Kira's eyesight blurred for a second-why did she think about him?- before she forced herself to focus on the blonde in front of her again. He had simple, black clothes and a rosary, and the bluest eyes in the world.

He must have seen the tears in her eyes, because he seemed a little embarrassed and looked away.

"Look, girl," he said. "Don't wanna be mean or anything, but if you're new here I think you have an own room, so get the hell out of mine." But he didn't really sound angry, so Kira didn't get afraid.

"What's with this soft side all of a sudden?" the circus performer wondered and turned to the blonde. "I thought you liked to make children cry." The blonde just laughed.

"Just sometimes," he defended himself and opened a drawer in the bureau and took out a chocolate bar.

"I don't live here," Kira said with a small voice and got a little nervous when they both looked at her. "..I ran away and when I got here I was tired, and I chose your room cause it wasn't locked...I didn't mean to sleep here, I just wanted to rest for a while...I'm sorry." She huddled up and wondered if it had been wise to tell them the truth. What if people on Wammy's knew that L's daughter was missing?

The blonde took a bite of his chocolate bar and focused his glare on her. It was kind of intense but she was used to L's way of staring, so she didn't look away.

"So you're a runaway, huh?" he mumbled, actually seemed to believe her. Maybe because it had been a weird lie to come up with. "What's your name?"

"Kira," she answered before she could stop herself. He raised an eyebrow but said nothing about what an odd name that was.

"I'm Mello," he introduced himself and took another bite. He was almost faster with eating chocolate than father L was with strawberries.

"That other guy's my pet,Matt."

"That other guy" made a face.

"No, I'm his best friend," he corrected. "He's just such a bitch."

"Slut," Mello gave back.

"Asshole."

"Manwhore."

Kira watched them with wide eyes. These were words that weren't in her vocabulary.

"You know what," the blonde, Mello, said when they were finished. "It's getting dark, so I'll let you sleep here and I'll stay in Matt's room, but just for tonight. Then you're out of here. I don't wanna take care of a damn kid." Kira nodded and smiled faintly.

"T-thank you," she greeted. "I didn't mean to stay for long anyway."

"But..." Matt cut in and looked at her with doubt. "How are you gonna survive on your own? I don't want someones death on my conscience, even if it's someone I just met."

"I will be fine," Kira promised with more confidence than she really felt.

"Yeah, be a good kid and don't follow any strangers home, and you'll make it," Mello told her and looked at his friend. "Seriously, Matty, you want to ruin your life? If she'd stay here, you would probably have to take care of her. And you'd have to feed her all the time and keep her from Roger, and probably stop smoking 'cause that's no good for kids, and you'd have no privacy at all." Kira, who knew what adults and teenagers meant with "Privacy" ,blushed deeply.

Matt seemed to relax again.

"You take care of yourself, then," he told Kira," and before you leave tomorrow, remind me to give you my cellphone number,just in case." Mello crossed his arms.

"Don't touch anything," he said before he left the room.

"He meant "Good night"."Matt smiled at her, and Kira couldn't help but smile back. "Sweet dreams."

After he had left, the young girl just stared at the door for a long time. It had been a weird conversation with those two.

To get someones cellphone number would definitely make her feel safer.

She would try to sleep again in the blonde boy's bed. And maybe,tomorrow, she would know where to go.

**

* * *

**

Well,I don't think this is my best chapter ever...I just wanted to update before I went on a vacation...and since I'll be gone, I won't be able to answer your reviews, but please leave some anyway:)!

**I know this was very Kira-centric,but don't worry,there will be more L and Light(he's so damn important even if he's dead XD)in future chapters. And I just wanted to have something with the Wammy boys, cause I like them..and I know Matt usually doesn't care much, but I think he worried a little about Kira because he is an orphan himself and knows how it is to be lonely( and not because Kira is some sort of little Mary Sue that made him OOC...:P) .Well,thanks for reading!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Finally, here is the next chapter! I had some trouble with the internet, that's why this took so long(you know how computers are. Can't live with them, can't live without themXDD).**

**It's only two or three chapters to go, I think :)!**

**For the flashback in this chapter, I want to thank Mysterious Penname, Mirage 88 and EmiJade-3-13. Your ideas were great:D!**

**Also, those whose reviews I haven't answered because I was on vacation: A big thank you! And to Mediate 89 who pointed out my mistake, thank you too, I'll change it:)!**

**Disclaimer:I don't own Dn, I'm just pathetically obsessed with it. **

**Chapter 6: My obsession**

"There." Matt gave Kira a folded piece of paper with his number on it. "Now take care of yourself."

She nodded, not really knowing what to say. She wasn't really used to talking to people, after all, and the good manners father Light had taught her wasn't always easy to remember. The other people on the train station paid no attention to the little girl or the teenage boy, but they still made her nervous.

"If you call, I'll be there," Matt promised and smiled.

"Yes..great..thank you," Kira said and tried to smile back, but couldn't really manage. "Good bye."

"Yeah...bye..." For a moment she thought that Matt was actually going to hug her, but he didn't and she felt stupid when she got disappointed. If her own father couldn't touch her, then why would a stranger like to hug her? She blushed and turned around so he shouldn't see how embarrassed she got.

But once she sat on the train, she looked at him through the window until the last glimpse of red, white and black was gone. And as soon as he passed out of her sight, she missed him.

* * *

The first thought that had appeared in L's mind when he finally managed to focus was "Wammy's house". He knew that Watari had told Kira where it was located, and that his daughter badly had wanted to go there.

Sure, most children that ran away wouldn't plan far ahead but just try to get as far away as possible, but Kira wasn't "most children". After all, she was the daughter of two great geniuses. It was to be expected that she would choose a special place to go to.

So L and Watari took the car, since a plane had nowhere to land near the orphanage and L preferred not to use public transports. Only, halfway to Winchester the car broke down, and they had to wait for hours for a new one. L wished they could have just hijacked one of the vehicles that drove past them because as the three top detectives of the world you shouldn't have to wait for_ anything _, but they had some technical issues and waiting was the only possible thing to do.

Watari didn't speak at all during the trip and they didn't reach Wammy's house until late afternoon. There they spoke to Roger, who promised to help searching for her the next day when the orphans were outside.

Little did they know that Kira in that moment slept in a room not far away from Rogers office.

It was a terrible night for L. He rarely slept, but this night he couldn't even get himself together enough to work.

Only staring blankly at the computer screen and feeling something unknown that he later diagnosed as shame.

Now, she was a quarter before nine and without L's knowledge, Kira had just said goodbye to Matt in the village. With a deep sigh, Watari turned to the detective.

"Sooner or later, we will find Kira," he said with certainty. "It is terrible to not know where she is, and to imagine the awful things that could happen to her, but that is not the root of the problem."

L continued staring at his empty computer screen.

"Then what do you suggest is the root of the problem?" he wondered when he at last seemed to hear the question.

"The reason Kira ran away, of course," Watari replied, his voice was sharp in a way that even made L scared. "Even if we get her back, it will be for nothing if we are not certain that she will stay this time."

"And the reason she ran away is me?" L cut in, sounding as emotionless as ever. But still, something about his tone was different. He usually spoke with such a confidence, now his words sounded strangely hollow.

"Yes." Watari met his intense glare without faltering. "You must get yourself together, Lawliet. I know I have said this many times before, but I will keep repeating myself until you listen: _you _are the parent. Take your responsibility." It took some time for L to find his voice, and when he did, he sounded terribly tired.

"I did not handle the loss of Light-kun very well," he admitted quietly."_That _is the root of the problem. I can not take care of Kira if I barely can keep myself going...I..." Watari stayed quiet, understanding that he must allow L to take his time, now when he finally dared looking into the real source of all this pain.

"I believed I was a stronger person," L continued, his gaze father away than ever. "I guess I was... until I let someone to close, and started to feel. Human emotion is the biggest cause of weakness and pain. I figured that if I kept my distance to people, I could live without it. And along came Light-kun." He took a strawberry caramel from the table and started toying with it, seemingly unaware of what he was doing.

" I had never truly loved anyone before Light-kun. He was the one who made my heart soft like an... overripe strawberry, and I gladly let him. All this affection I did not display for twenty-five years, all this love I did not use, I gave to Light-kun. For all my life, I had kept my distance, and now I could not get close enough... I think you can say I got obsessed with him, even." Without noticing, he dropped the caramel. His pale, spider-like hand was shaking slightly.

His eyes were dry, but so filled with pain it hurt Watari just to look into them.

"That is why I cannot let him go," he said. It wasn't louder than a whisper but the old man could hear it all too clearly. "Light-kun was my first love. My first kiss. My first lover." His tone was calm, like he was just speaking of the weather, but beneath that calmness were depths of pain that went so low you could never see the bottom. "My first friend."

"I understand," Watari said and was surprised to find he really did.

"We will search for Kira." L abruptly got on his feet, the best word to describe his voice would have been destroyed. His eyes were hidden under his dark hair, and Watari was thankful he couldn't see them.

* * *

As they started searching the rooms for his daughters, L got trapped by one of his eternal memories

again. It started with the picture of a baby in one room, and even as he left the room he couldn't get it out of his mind. It made him think of Kira as a baby, her birth and the time after they got home from the hospital...

* * *

"_Ryuuzaki!" Light whined. He was seated in their bed, with two pillows behind his back and a thick novel in his hand. "Kira is crying again. Go get her for me."_

_L had to fight back an angry reply. Since their coming home, the baby had been either crying or screaming almost constantly, and Light had been in bed, complaining about his pains and ordering L around. The detective couldn't even get seated in front of his computer before his lover was in desperate need of _something, _and it was honestly starting to bug the hell out of him._

_Without saying a word, L left their bedroom and headed for the baby's room. Kira- this wonderful little miracle- was working her way up from loud crying to deafening screaming, and the detective clenched his teeth. "It is my daughter and I love her," he reminded himself._

"_The baby, Ryuuzaki!" Light shouted from the bedroom. "Bring her to me now!"_

"_And Light-kun is my boyfriend and I love him," L said out loud. Another thing that was irritating about Light was that he couldn't stop worrying about their daughter. Must be his maternal instincts._

_He had even wanted Kira to sleep in their bedroom, but L had protested, or he wouldn't get any peace at all. As soon as she was out of his sight, Light could suddenly imagine that she was in danger, and L had to go and get her. He could sometimes wake up in the middle of the night, screaming and crying, and convinced that Kira was dead( It could go something like this: "Oh my god, Ryuuzaki, I can't hear her breathing!" and then L would say: "She is in another room, Light-kun. It is only natural that it is not audible through the wall.",and Light would become hysteric and cry: "No, you don't get it! I can't hear her, I can't, and death is silence, and that's why I don't... why I can't..." and L would have to go and get her to calm him down.)_

_Sure, the detective felt sorry for the ex-massmurderer, who was so afraid of the death he'd once handed out so easily, but it didn't stop him from feeling annoyed too._

"_I'm coming, Light-kun," he sighed and took up his daughter, who screamed even louder and tried to get out of his grip like a little wild animal who's never seen a human before. "Be still now, you little beast."_

_He took her to her "mother" and Light brightened up as soon as he saw her. He had now placed his book beside him (on L's pillow) and reached for his daughter with glimmering eyes._

"_Hi, mommy's little angel," he purred and hugged her tenderly. "Why are we screaming today?" As he turned to L, he kept his voice soft, but it was obvious he was giving orders. "Honey, go get a bottle of milk please."_

_When L left the room, the baby fell silent. The detective tried not to feel hurt because of that, but failed miserably._

_He warmed some milk from a donating mother who had lost her newborn, because Light's body was not able to supply Kira with that._

_When he went back into the room where his family was, he was thankful that the baby didn't start screaming again. No, she was too busy listening to Light singing for her to even notice when L walked in. Yes, Light did sing. Even a pride of his caliber could vanish before the small wonder._

_Kira giggled softly at her mother's singing, and Light looked as happy as when he first saw her. They really were cute together._

_Of some reason, L suddenly felt like an intruder in his own home._

"_My prettiest little pearl, my dearest little diamond," Light sang quietly for the baby. The first time Light said things like that, L had been terrified, but now he was getting used to it._

"_You are going to turn her into such a sweet-talker, Light-kun," l pointed out when he handed him the bottle. "When she has finished that, may I hold her?"_

"_I don't know..." Light said absently as he fed her. "You may drop her."_

"_She is my daughter too, if you by any chance have forgotten that," L said a little sharper than intended. Light looked at him curiously._

"_Are you angry for some reason?" he wondered and ignored that his daughter was spilling milk all over him._

"_Well..." the detective said carefully, not wanting to upset his lover more than necessary. With the baby in his arms, kicking Light-kun was sadly still not an option. "The little creature known as our daughter did disturb my two hours of sleep last night. And Light-kun sure does like pushing me around, making me do all the housework, and keeping the socializing with our child all to himself. So, if I am angry, I have plenty of reasons!" To even raise his voice? L realized that with about 90,8 percent certainty, he really was mad. _

"_For the first, don't call our daughter a creature!" Light complained and covered Kira's little ears with his manicured hands. "And I don't... I mean, secondly, I don't push you around. I feel bad, okay? It isn't a natural process my body's been going through and... stop giving me that angry-dead- zombie look, after living with you for so long, it doesn't scare me... and it never did from the beginning anyway...now, where was I?" He took a break and sat Kira on his lap to rock her. "Yeah, and for the third, I don't keep her to myself. You got to carry her here, right? Besides, she always screams when you carry her."_

"_Maybe she cannot start to like me if she does not get a chance to get used to me," L suggested tiredly. "I just want to hold my own baby, is that not comprehensible?"_

_Light sighed and looked hurt when he handed the baby over to L. Very carefully, he took her. She weighed practically nothing, and when she grabbed one of his fingers tightly with her little hand and even stayed calm, the detective couldn't help it. He smiled._

"_Let us not quarrel anymore, Light-kun," he mumbled, charmed by the warmth and life of the child in his arms."Your bitching is not the safest environment for a baby to be raised in, do you not agree?"_

"_Just because you are so cute right now, I'll let that one pass," the brown-haired boy said softly and kissed his lover on the forehead. Then he bent down and placed a kiss on his daughters cheek._

"_How extremely generous of you," L considered. He sat on the bed until Kira had fallen asleep in his arms._

"_Look, how sweet she is!" Light squealed and hugged L, carefully so that their baby shouldn't wake up. "Can't you just see it before you, how happy we are going to be? Can't you see Kira taking her first steps...speaking her first words? Meet her first friends, grow up, go to school, get a boyfriend and tell us her first lie?"_

_L didn't comment on the lie-part, but he couldn't stay entirely quiet._

"_School?" he repeated."Our child is not going to school. That is a waste of time."_

"_What?" Light glared at him."If she's not going to school, how will she succeed in life?" L just stared at him blankly._

"_I never went to school," he reminded Light. "Is Light-kun implying that my life has been unsuccessful?" _

"_But there is so many things a child must learn in school," Light stated and looked L straight in the eye._

"_I do not think so," the detective objected. "The only thing school teaches children is to lose their individuality, their creativity and their ability to deduce things on their own." Light smirked._

"_How can you know that if you never went to school yourself?" he asked scornfully._

" _I think it is easily determined based on the fact that the level of our education is rising while people only get dumber for every generation," L uttered dryly._

"_You're just saying that because you never got a proper education." Light crossed his arms. "It is her best possibility to meet other people too. If she gets raised like you, she will become an anti-social freak just like you are. Do you want that?"_

"_But if she goes to school like you did, you will expect her to be as popular and successful and charming as you, will you not?" L gave back. "And that will be too much pressure for one child. I do not get how you made it, Light-kun."_

"_I won't expect her to be like me!" Light protested. "And besides, if we don't let her be with other kids she won't learn the necessary unwritten rules she'll need to interact with others, and she won't be accepted in society. It's for her best."_

_L looked down at the small sleeping girl in his arms._

"_With us as parents, she could become someone great," he said confidently. "She could really achieve something. Do you want to decrease her possibilities by making her play by some foolish rules invented by cowards?" _

"_I don't care if she _achieves _anything!" Light said sharply to his lover's big surprise. "The only thing I want is for her to be happy, and like it or not, no one can be happy if they're alone!"_

_Thinking that he couldn't blame hormones anymore, L was more than a little shocked over Light's emotional outburst. Then again, males shouldn't be pregnant. Perhaps it had given him some sort of brain damage._

"_Or were you glad when you were lonely and simply watched life through computer screens instead of living it?" the teen continued cruelly._

"_If Light-kun has to know, himself and this small infant are the sole sources of happiness in my life, "L said quietly. "So I would appreciate it if both of you stopped pestering me."_

_Light's face went from serious to cheerful._

"_Only you could say that sort of things and still look completely bored," he smiled and kissed L briefly. "Call me an idiot, but it just makes me love you more."_

* * *

_After I met you, Light-kun, I finally learned the difference between being alive and living._

* * *

This memory flashed before L's eyes for just a few moments. Even if it wasn't his happiest memory- the argument about Kira's future would go on for several years and turn kind of bitter- it still made him sad. Because in some way, it really made him want to quarrel with Light again, to have discussions that would go on for hours and even feel a little anger. Anything was better than this constant sadness, because it was really wearing him out.

He left Watari and Roger to continue searching the ground floor and walked up the stairs. The corridor on the second floor was empty and dark, and so were the first four rooms he went through.

But the resident of the fifth room hardly ever went out, so L wasn't surprised to find him in there.

"Good day, Matt," he said and stayed in the doorway. The goggled boy actually bothered to look up from what he was doing, which for once wasn't playing a game. It appeared to be some kind of homework, an almost fully written paper.

"Hi, L," the redhead greeted with a smile. "What brings you here? We haven't seen you for years." He placed a school book over the paper as if he wanted to hide it. "Does Mello know that you are here? He will be so happy!"

"I do not have time for smalltalk,"the detective interrupted. "I apologize, but I am here for a serious reason."

"Oh..." Matt was quiet for a second. "What have I done? Cause whatever it is, I blame Mello."

"You have not done anything. I am searching all the rooms, that is all. Since you do not leave here often, maybe you could just answer my question. Have you seen a little girl, about this high" -L held his hand a few feet above the floor-" with black hair, probably wearing a blue jacket?"

It took Matt so long to answer, L didn't know what to think. The redheaded boy opened his window and lit a cigarette before turning to the detective again.

"Why do you ask?" he wondered and L didn't need to see his eyes behind the goggles to know what this meant.

"You have...seen her?" he asked and even though he tried, he couldn't keep his voice entirely steady.

Matt nodded after a moment of hesitation.

"Where is she?" L was not even trying to sound calm this time, and the third best at Wammy's house looked slightly shocked.

"She took the train to Weymouth at nine o'clock," he answered at last and threw his cigarette out the window. "Why are you after her? Who is she?"

L just wanted to leave the room without answering, but realized he better come up with an explanation before Matt had too much time to think on his own. After all, if the Wammy-children knew that L had a daughter, they would not be too happy since they would think she'd have a greater chance than any of them of becoming his successor.

"The daughter of a very powerful businessman. She was placed under my protection after her father was murdered, and then she ran away," L lied without a second thought and left the room before Matt would get a chance to ask anything else.

He met Watari in the stairs. The old man hurried the last steps when he saw the look on L's face.

"Do you know anything about her?" he wondered, both excited and worried.

"Call the closest police station and alert them," L ordered. "I am taking Roger's car. Also, call the railway company and find out the current location of the train headed for Weymouth who left the station of Winchester at nine o'clock this morning. Send the police in that direction, and whatever it takes, stop that train."

**I know, it's a looong flashback, and a lot of talking:)!I hope you liked it anyway...Oh,and I don't know that much about Winchester...I keep calling it a village...maybe that's totally wrong? If it is, please forgive me!**

**So what do you think Matt had written and was hiding?**

**I don't know myself, I just thought it would be an interesting plot twist if he wasn't playing games for once!! ...No, seriously, I think it was a love letter to Mello:)!**

**Thank you so much for reading, please review!**


	7. Chapter 7

**I'm really sorry. I totally lost inspiration for Dn and for this fanfic for a long time, but here is the ending at last:)!Please don't hate me XD!**

**Just so you know, I won't be writing any more fanfiction... but that's not because I don't like it or because I don't appreciate your support...I just don't have time or energy anymore(or inspiration when I'm in school, that's why I finished this on a vacation). I will continue reading though;). Thank you so much for every review, favorite and alert you have given me!**

**Without you, I would have given up and left this unfinished.**

**:P**

**Disclaimer: I don't draw that good and I'm not that smart. It means I didn't make it and I don't own it!**

**Chapter 7: Light**

When the train stopped, Kira didn't pay much attention to it at first. But when they didn't say anything in the speaker, and she looked out and saw that they weren't even near a station, she somehow felt a little worried.

But it wasn't until a police showed up and ordered everyone to stay calm and remain in their seats, that she understood. L must have have found her! How could he...?

Instead of staying where she was (which may have been smarter if L himself wasn't personally searching the train) she panicked and started to run. Which of course made the policeman follow her. Luckily, he was at the far end of the compartment when she jumped to her feet, but he caught up with her too quickly...

Just as she stopped in front of the doors she heard someone scream and then two people who fell to the floor, and since the running behind her had stopped, one of them had to be the cop.

She used the emergency handle to try to open the door, but her hands were shaking and that thing was heavy. She could hear the police coming to his feet again and going after her.

Then suddenly, the door swung open, and the fresh air made her feel that she was free, that they could never catch her now... She jumped off the train and into the arms of another policeman.

Or, this was actually a woman, but her confused brain was to overwhelmed to register that at first. Kira had never been much of a fighter, so she immediately gave up when she felt that she was trapped.

"Hey, little lady," the female cop smiled, "And where do you think that you are going?"

"Off the train," Kira answered truthfully. She yawned. Now that she wouldn't have to run anymore, she felt how exhausted she was. It had only been two nights and one day, but she was more tired than she had been in her entire life.

The man who had chased her got off the train and said:

"We had orders to look for a little girl, right? I'll report to our superiors right away."He started to speak into his radio in an excited, fast voice. He didn't really know what this was about but if this truly was the little girl they were looking for, he wanted at least part of the honor for finding her.

The two cops watched closely over the little girl, but she didn't seem to be planning on escaping at all. In fact, she looked more like she was about to fall asleep, leaning against the woman who had caught her and closing her eyes from time to time. They tried to ask her questions, but she wouldn't answer. It was cold and boring for them all to stand there,so the woman called up her boss and asked if they could go into the train again.

"No," he said," you are to wait out there. They will soon come to you."

"Who?" the female cop asked, trying hard to keep the annoyance out of her voice. He got silent for a long time.

"I don't know," he admitted at last. "I'm taking orders from above too."

So, the only thing she could do was hang up and wait. The small girl had almost fallen asleep and she had to support her so she wouldn't fall.

Just as the man was getting tired of waiting and wanted to go into the train anyway a car stopped on the highway about fifty meters away from them and a very peculiar man jumped out.

Yes, he jumped, hunched over more than any teenager he had ever seen, and with the hands in the pockets of his baggy jeans. He started walking towards them over the yellow grass, and he only got weirder the closer he got.

He had a white sweater and black hair, and the sort of eyes that give both children and their parents nightmares. The both cops were also further freaked out when he was only a few meters away from them and they noticed he had no shoes.

That was just not normal.

He stopped in front of the little girl and just stared at her(stared with eyes that looked distant, like a corpse). The girl opened her eyes and looked back, now much more awake.

"Sir?" the woman said carefully, but he didn't seem to notice her at all.

"Kira..." All three of them started when the odd-looking man spoke. "I shall now bring you home, and you must promise me to never do anything like that ever again."

The little girl simply stared at him for a moment.

"Home?" she then repeated hesitantly."Does father L want me to go with him?"

"Ryuuzaki," the odd man said absently and added;" Of course. We have some things we need to discuss once we get there." With a somewhat sad, and very misplaced, smile on his lips, he grabbed the girls arm and started to drag her along with him back to the other side of the field.

When the woman saw how the girl started as the man touched her, she quickly pulled herself together and ran after them. She stopped in front of the man and said in a peremptory tone:

"Sir, please let me see your ID. I cannot just let you wander off with this child."

Even if they girl seemed to know the man, it was her duty as a police to check. Who knew, the man could be abusive, or even a pedophile.

The odd man stopped and pulled out his cellphone. Before the woman could speak up again he had already dialed the number and began talking. What he said was: "Watari. I have found Kira. But there is a policewoman here who is bothering me. Please come here and inform her correctly of this extraordinary situation. Thank you."

He hung up and glared at the woman. The little girl beside him yawned again.

"S-sir, please, you must understand..."the policewoman began, a bit frightened by his peculiar behavior. The other police had caught up to them now, and she was thankful for that.

"What are you doing?" he said."You can't just walk away with a child like that! Or are you..."

The odd man looked irritated.

"I am sorry to inform you both that right now you are nothing but pests to me," he cut off. "I will wait here, but I advice you not to talk to me."

They just looked at eachother. Then the woman nodded.

* * *

After Watari had cleared the misunderstanding( by lying and showing fake ID:s, of course) and they had walked over the field to Roger's car, L tucked in the tired Kira in the backseat and she fell asleep at once.

"Is this enough now, Ryuuzaki?" Watari asked with a tired but relieved tone in his voice.

"I do not understand the question," L answered and watched his sleeping child.

"That you almost lost her," Watari said. "Is it enough to make you change? Or am I asking for a miracle?"

L kept watching Kira. He bit down hard on his thumb and observed the small drop of blood by his nail.

"I will try," he finally said. "I believe that..." He made a pause and licked the blood of his finger. "Love is a greatly selfish feeling, and so is sorrow. I was thinking while I drove here...maybe I wanted to grieve Light-kun, because it was the closest I could get to him." With a little smile he turned his glare to Watari." So I will merely have to let him go."

Watari didn't answer.

He didn't need to.

* * *

It took almost one day and one night for Kira to sleep out. When she woke up, the first thing she saw was father L. She was in her bed on the living room floor and he sat by his computer, like always.

But he wasn't looking at the computer screen, he was looking at her.

"Hello," she said nervously, but he didn't look away.

"Good morning." Instead he greeted her with something that probably was supposed to be a smile.

"Yes...good morning," she answered and smiled back, a little faintly.

It had been a painfully long night.

"I will have to work now, little lady," L told his daughter and turned back to the computer. "Because of you, I have been neglecting my work for the last few days."

"I'm sorry," Kira said and looked down on her hands. For a long time, they were both silent, L just typing on his keyboard. Then, Kira remembered a thing she had wanted to ask her father since she had been on Wammy's house.

So she turned to him and waited until he paused in his typing for a while.

"What does manwhore mean?" she wondered.

For the first time in her short life, Kira saw her father really shocked.

"Where did you learn that word?"he said after a brief pause.

"I learned other words too..like asshole and slut!" she said, wondering if she should be proud or ashamed.

From the look on his face, she drew the conclusion that the first wasn't an option.

* * *

_Light-kun... the night after her disappearance was the first night I did not think of you. I sincerely apologize and hope that you can forgive me._

_Maybe you should. After all, you are dead, and she is alive. And, I am beginning to suspect, so am I._

* * *

Four days went by. Kira stayed in the apartment without anybody having to tell her she should- she had not been to fond of the outside world when she was alone in it. Father L talked to her. He looked at her. Two times he patted her on her shoulder. Once he seemed to be on his way to hug her, but he didn't.

"Please be patient," he said that time and then turned away. Kira wasn't sure what he meant, but tried not to look too sad. She could tell that he was trying, and she could tell that of some reason, it hurt him.

"It's because you have your father's eyes," Watari had told her before he traveled to Wammy's to personally help Roger "discipline the orphans language."

She wasn't sure she understood that either, but that was the deal with adults- they were complicated.

On the fourth day, when Kira looked through the pockets in her jacket because she was bored, she found the note with Matt's phone number.

At first she wasn't sure what it was, but then she recognized the sloppy handwriting. Father L wasn't home, so she decided to call the nice red-haired boy and thank him.

He picked up after three signals.

"Yeah?"

Upon hearing his voice, Kira felt embarrassed and stupid. She had only met him once. He probably didn't even remember her.

"Hello?" he said again when she couldn't force herself to speak.

"H-hi," she finally stuttered and felt like an idiot.

"Who is this?" Matt asked, sounding puzzled.

"It's Kira..."she said quietly and wondered if it wouldn't be better to hang up.

"Who?....Oh, wait, it's you!" The boy in the other end laughed. "I'm sorry, I was confused... so you're the girl L was looking for?"

"Yes..." Kira answered slowly. "He found me."

"Is that a good or a bad thing?" Matt asked.

"It's... good," Kira mumbled, surprising herself when she realized it was true. "I feel good now, too..."

"Great," Matt said with genuine happiness in his voice. "It's good you're not out there by yourself anymore."

"Yes..." she agreed. A somewhat uneasy silence followed until she remembered a lesson in good manners father Light had taught her several times. ("People," he used to say, " do not ask you how you feel because they care, but because they want you to return the question so they can talk about themselves. The most polite thing to do in a conversation is to give them only small parts of yourself (unless they seem truly interested, of course) and otherwise, only listen. If they take a pause to breath you can always ask them questions to give the impression that you care.")

"So...how do you feel?" She broke the silence and hoped he wouldn't be insulted that it took her so long to ask.

"I'm fine," he said and sounded even happier. "After I met you, I wrote a poem to Mello expressing my feelings for him. I'm sure he will soon realize that he loves me too- because that's how cool I am-, and then we'll be together forever!"

"How nice," Kira said politely. Unlike most children, she didn't find homosexuality weird or was oblivious to it's existence. She had grown up with two fathers, after all.

"Yeah, it went something like: Mellody, Mellody, you are as awesome as my Nintendo...I think he was really touched." Matt laughed again, and Kira wasn't sure if he was fooling her or if it was just a happy laughter. She didn't get the chance to ask, because he stopped laughing and got serious again. "But are you sure you're really okay? Because when I saw you, you looked so sad..."

When he said that, Kira felt her eyes fill with tears without knowing why.

"Y-yes," she managed to say and tried to keep her voice calm. This was another lesson from father Light. Only show the pleasant feelings. "It is good...I think he loves me. And I think he is just afraid to show it."

"Who?" Matt wondered.

"My father. It keeps getting better...but it may never be perfect.." Kira sighed.

"Well," the red-head pointed out," if there is anything I have learned in life, it is that except Mellos looks, nothing is perfect. And know what?" He made a pause, probably to make it more exciting, and went on; "that's what hope is for. And yeah, I know I'm lame." He laughed again, and Kira giggled too, because not only did he look funny, he also said funny things.

But it was those other words she remembered.

_Nothing is perfect. That's what hope is for._

She had hope.

* * *

"_Light-kun, the baby spoke today." L welcomed his lover in the door with those words. Light froze, his browned eyes turned darker._

"_What? What did she say?" He looked about to cry. "Are you saying I missed our daughters first word?"_

"_She said `da-dy`," L explained regretfully. "Because I was the one present, I am 96% sure she meant me."_

"_No!" Light shrieked, almost making L start. Pregnancy and teenage boys did not mix well. They became so moody._

"_I'm sure she meant me," Light said. Babies always share a stronger bond with their mother."_

"_That is only because you have known her for nine more months than I have," L stated dryly._

"_No,it's not," Light said and then burst into tears. "O-oh my g-god, I missed her...her first word," he sobbed. "I'm the worst mother in the world!"_

_L simply stared for a moment._

"_No, you are not," he objected at last and patted his lover on the head in his usual clumsy way. "I am positive that as long as you remain by her side, she will be happy."_

"_B-but what if I die?" Light's sobbing calmed a little. "What if I get what I deserve?" The tears kept falling, but his voice became more composed . Shiny golden eyes looked steadily at L. The certainty and the pain gave the detective hard to breath. "If I die, she will suffer...and you too."_

"_Light-kun," L said sharply, "you do not deserve to die."_

"_I do." Light was almost unnaturally still now, and his tone was as emotionless as L's own. "If it weren't for you and her, I wouldn't deserve to live at all."_

"_No on deserves to die," L said weakly. "Some just do."_

* * *

L looked at Kira. She slept peacefullybeside him, snoring silently but not moving at all. These days, she seemed so happy. So hopeful.

He didn't want to ruin that. Unfortunately, even a brilliant child was naïve. Especially if she had been raised by Light Yagami. Kira would hope for a fairytale, even if she didn't say anything. Good L triumph over bad L. Happy ending.

This would not happen. It wouldn't have a definite ending. It would only slowly get better, then maybe someday get worse, and then start getting better again.

Light would have needed to know this too. You cannot defeat the evil of this world- it will always remain inside of you.

He abandoned these depressing thoughts and focused on watching his daughter instead. He should be happy. For now, she was safe. And she slept like they say children do, deeply and serenely.

The detective wondered how long it had been since he had slept.

Not that he had ever enjoyed it, but now he resented it. Sleeping was dreaming, and just like in his memories, Light-kun could never leave him alone when he dreamed.

But this night, he felt tired. Maybe he should try to sleep. Maybe he would not dream.

Maybe he would not hate to wake up again.

He leaned back in his armchair and suddenly felt something very strange. A cold sting of pain in his chest.

Like a warning from his heart. But as usual, he didn't listen.

He just ignored it and closed his eyes.

He never opened them again.

* * *

That night, a fire started in the apartment where L and Kira Yagami was resting. An old TV started it, and it soon spread to a curtain close by. Because there were a lot of withered flowers in the window, and the said window was open to keep the heat down, the fire spread in what almost looked like an explosion.

This, however, was of little relevance. Since L and Kira slept in the living room, the smoke got to them long before the fire did, and it killed them in their sleep.

Kira died first because she was so small, it didn't take long before she was suffocated. L followed closely thereafter.

Luckily for them, they couldn't feel when the fire consumed their bodies, they couldn't hear the firetruck coming to a late rescue, and they couldn't see Watari cry when he found out. Father and daughter was already gone when this happened.

Which most would say was good for them, but which Watari only could see in one way. Unfair.

Like the one time in L's life when justice didn't prevail.

* * *

_L did dream, but it was not his usual kind of dream. Not a memory in disguise. _

_This time, Kira was with him, and she looked about as old as she had been when he went to sleep. She even wore her blue pajamas with teddy-bears on it._

_She looked at him, and her eyes were dazed and confused, almost scared. Since this was just a dream, L hugged her tightly and told her not to be afraid._

_It was dark and empty all around them, a vacuum, a nothingness, but he said she shouldn't be afraid of darkness._

_Be afraid of light, because that is the thing it hurts to lose._

_It truly was an odd dream._

_Everything was black, the total absence of color, but without shadows for there were no sun._

_L looked down at his daughters familiar face, her cursed but beautiful eyes, and wished that the darkness would go away._

_And then, there was Light._

**End!**

**Here you go, I hope it didn't suck totally...I think it turned out pretty good actually..or I hope so:)!**

**Whatever, I am very thankful to everyone who has read, favorited or alerted this story. **

**And to all my reviewers:Blood Of Anubis, realityfling18 ,rokudaimehokage19,PirateCaptainBo, Pinku Aisu Kuriimu, MattTheGamer,Master of Yaoi 1326, setsuko teshiba, mediate89,JennyKim319 ,Constance32 ,****imfromjupiter, XxCanoli Is What I'm CalledxX ,Daisy56711 ,edwRDXJcob, Mirage88, Irvine Cypher ,Blaqheartedstar ,alx-nichole ,Sugar Sprite ,HeronsStorm,Kyosuke Lawliet, Mysterious Penname ,CaeliaDanan, Akito-Aya ,Launigsiae, Aesura,EmiJade-3-13 ,shadowtailmon , Chibi Tsuki Hikari ,fighterG4, Hime, (I'm pretty sure that's everyone. If I have missed anyone, my sincerest apologizes.)**

**Once again, thank you so much(don't be scared but I love you all XD) and I'm really sorry for taking so long time to update...And a special thanks to Pinku Aisu Kuriimu, for being my most faithful reviewer:)!!XD**

**(A late) merry Christmas and a happy new year!!!**


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